10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never make a Doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful & multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labour pains & childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden", Adam would need help finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple incident, & for anything else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone".
and the best reason:
1. God stepped back, looked at Adam, & declared: "I can do better than that!".
Toy Disclaimers
Toy Disclaimers
No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
Some dismemberment may occur.
Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank your parents for shelling out a great deal of money and waiting in line behind a smelly middle-aged man for two hours to get you this video game console – especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale – may result in bodily injury.
Do not stare at the product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!
In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
Things To Ponder
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
News Paper Headlines
March Planned For Next August
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide
Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
StarWars Univers T- Shirts
"My Mom (and/or Dad) fought at the Battle of (Yavin/Hoth/Endor) and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
"Have you hugged a wookie today?"
"I'm with stupid" (With arrow pointing to Jabba)
"My astromech went to the Death Star and all I got were the lousy Technical Schematics"
"Emperor's slugs need love too"
10 Reasons Micheal Jackson Would Be Cooler In The Star Wars Galaxy
1. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable
2. Would not have needed huge effects budget for 'Captain EO'
3. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean's son
4. Could really walk on moons
5. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith
6. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of 'Beat It'
7. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had
8. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic
9. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet
10. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly
New Barbies
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, and then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do"
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr, in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
11. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
12. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Babs wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self."
"Top 14 Things Bill Clinton Would Say if He Were in "Star Wars"
14. "Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke."
13. "Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?"
12. "I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military... Okay, now I don't."
11. "Oh-h-h, you're looking for a little *WOOKIE*... Well, that's different."
10. "Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I'm your father, too. And that Queen chick? I'm her daddy for sure. And Leia's. And Lando's, Boba Fett's, Jabba the Hutt's, Chewie's..."
9. "Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!"
8. "I think the American people would like a little more bass in my theme music."
7. "Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster -- and make it look like a suicide."
6. "I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky."
5. "It's a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- and I'm still a lyin' weasel."
4. "Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac -- not excuses."
3. "Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental work."
2. "These are not the droids you're looking for, Ma'am. Say, it's getting hot in here -- you might want to take off your top."
1. "She's my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain't an obstacle!"
Edited by Crazy_Chic, 30 March 2006 - 01:55 AM.
